It’s true what they say…. pain changes you… irreparably and in ways you cannot even imagine.
There are now two sides of myself. The side that can no longer take a single moment more of the agony pain brings, the kind of pain that demands to be felt, that leaves you screaming inside… And then there is the side of me that knows this cannot be how my story ends, that there are people depending on me even though I have let them done repeatedly. The most important being my kids, who have seen the good and bad of the pain, who have endured more than ever should have to at their age.
Me being here means I HAVE FAILED. I have failed my kids, my family, my friends, and worst of all I have failed myself. I can’t do this alone anymore so here I am asking for help. Those who know me can probably guess that I am sitting here crying trying to write this because it is just not me! I am not one to ask for help, ever!
Most people look at me and see the smile on my face, the smile that so easily hides the girl that’s inside – the girl who is hopeless, lost, and completely broken down. The one with the deep need to prove myself, to push myself past my limits and achieve what people don’t believe I’m capable of. But I see her less and less these days. Days fade and bleed into one another. Minutes begin to feel like hours, hours like days, days seem like weeks, and weeks feel like years…with only one remaining constant: the pain.